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People often ask me how I feel when I’m not feeling well. “You can’t eat most foods? Well, why not?” I try to explain it but all I can think is that I get really tired and experience a terrible headache.

People often say, “Well, I just don’t care! If I was you I would just eat what I want! I have food allergies and I just eat them anyways! I just love food too much!” Or, “I just take Lactaid and it’s no problem.” People tell me that they couldn’t and wouldn’t live like me. As if I have a real choice in the matter. They feel that they know what I am experiencing, and it’s just not that bad. Let me tell you why your lactose intolerance isn’t quite the same as my issues.

Two days ago I ate some plums from a tree in my parents yard. The tree didn’t come from an organic seed, but they didn’t use pesticides on the tree itself, so I thought I’d try it. The next morning I felt ill. The plums are the only thing I ate that day that I wasn’t sure were safe for me, so I know it was them. I already wasn’t feeling well, so I thought “what the heck, I’m going to eat some corn chips.” (I have organic corn chips which make me feel terrible, as I can’t eat corn). And then I decided to eat the last few bites of Coconut Bliss Ice cream (I also try to never eat this ice cream because it makes me feel like I am literally dying). I felt really terrible all day. I layed on the couch and watched TV all day. I couldn’t think clearly and I was in a fog. My head was pounding and my brain felt shriveled up. I was nauseous and didn’t want to move or talk.

Most of the time I am good, but every once in a while I fall off the wagon and eat something that I know won’t make me feel well. Sometimes that urge to eat something is so powerful that you can’t think of anything else. I am in no way perfect. I make mistakes. I just had no idea until recently that these food mistakes actually seriously hurt my body and further damage my health.

About eight hours after I had consumed the illegal chips and ice cream, I started feeling a little better and more talkative. This was a surprising turn-around time as I usually feel ill for days and days after eating corn or that ice cream. I started working on some art for my blog in photoshop. And then I really started to feel bad. I started to really feel like I was going to vomit. I went into the bathroom and everything started spinning like it does when you have had way too much to drink. It was hard for me to grasp which way was up. I could see things moving that weren’t really moving (I was hallucinating) and I was desperately trying to grab hold of reality. I got really scared and started breathing heavily and panicing. I started to think about it, that agave syrup (which is what the ice cream is sweetened with) is bad for your liver, and I obviously have problems with detoxification. Thinking this made me panic even more as I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of this and had done this to myself. This ordeal took about two hours, from development to back to my original not-so-well state. I went over to my husband and started crying and he held me for a long time, making me feel somewhat better.

I seriously felt like I was going crazy. It’s hard for me to remember these feelings and symptoms later when people ask me why I can’t eat certain things and what symptoms I get. Well, here they are. In fact, they are still going. I’m not losing my hold on reality anymore, but I still don’t feel well and I don’t suspect I will for a few more days. You’ve read what happened in this particular instance and you can take my symptoms for what they are. There really isn’t a perfect way to describe what was going on in my mind when I was experiencing these symptoms. I’m fairly certain how I felt yesterday were symptoms of poisoning and that is what I was experiencing. I’m just glad to be back to reality. No more corn chips or Coconut Bliss. Ever.

I had an appointment with a new doctor yesterday. There were some good things about our meeting, and some terrible things about our meeting.

Good stuff

• He knew what gluten was, in the real sense of the term. He understood that it lurks everywhere and effects every system in your body.
• He didn’t think I was crazy.
• He asked questions and listened intently to my answers.
• He said, “You should never trust doctors.”
• He explained processes of how things worked and why certain things in the body happen the way they do.
• He ordered tests that sound relevant to my problems.
• He has a plan.
• He wants to go slow and figure out one thing at a time to get an accurate reading on results.

Bad stuff

• Both times I have tried to go into the building where the office is, there have been multiple smokers right by the door. That law about not smoking 25 feet from the entrance of a building really doesn’t do much. Especially when the bike lock-up is right next to the designated smoking area.
• The building itself made me feel sick. I get the feeling it must have been from poor ventilation. That, mixed with new paint and whatever other chemicals are stuck floating around unable to escape.
• Every person in the office made me sick, including the doctor. The exam room we went into didn’t even have any airflow. I was sweating like a pig in my leather chair, and the overpowering stench of the doctor’s personal care products—deodorant, shampoo, etc.—made me feel really ill. I couldn’t think clearly and when I can’t think clearly I can’t mention that I am feeling that way. The words just won’t form in my mouth. I brought my husband along for moral support as well as to speak up when things like this happen and I can’t say what I need to. The only problem was that he had no idea that I couldn’t communicate and was feeling so terribly.
• He put some prescription lotion on me without even asking. Before I knew it, he had divied out one pump of this stuff onto my wrists and told me to rub it in. Being in the mental state that I was, I just did as I was told. That couldn’t have helped how I was feeling either.
• He just rubbed me the wrong way. His posture, the way he could just keep talking and talking and talking. He was also really loud. He brought in some supplements that were in glass bottles and practically slammed them onto the counter. He also hit the computer really hard when he was touching the space bar to wake it up. Though in his defense, these things could have certainly been heightened by the fact that I was not feeling well.

I was feeling pretty discouraged after it was over. I went home and took a long shower, lathering up several times and changing my clothes in an attempt to no longer smell like all of the chemicals in that office. I had to wash my arms and wrists repeatedly because they stank of the lotion (which was “fragrance free”). I never did get that particular scent to go away yesterday.

I still don’t feel well today but I am hoping to feel better in another day or so. At least I can think a bit more clearly this morning, even if I am still in pain.

I am going to try to communicate with my doctor via email and see how that goes. I am going to try to explain just how sensitive I am to things, and maybe we can keep office visits down to a minimum, and find a room with adequate ventilation to non-polluted air when I do have to go in. He even mentioned in my appointment that no one in the office can wear perfume because it bothers one of the staff there. Their perfume-free smells were so strong it is making me sick for days. I don’t think any of them have the slightest idea what my life is like.